Am I ready?

​Am I ready for the children to go back to school?

I am often unsure how to answer.
Yes, no, as in school uniform and shoes ready?
Yes, no, as in mentally ready?

I am not ashamed to say I am mentally exhausted.
Absolutely physically exhausted.
Sleep deprived and grumpy.

I hate sending my girl to school.
I hate the anxiety it causes.
I hate that she changes in term time.
Her behaviours esculate.

I love having my children home.
Being a mum is something I had always dreamed of….
….but it is hard work.
Especially when one of your children have special needs.
When you have to be on the ball 24/7.
When you have to risk assess every outing, have to risk a meltdown at any moment.
When you do online shopping, but forget milk, so have to go to the supermarket with my girl in tow…..

Am I ready?
No.

I am not ready for the anxiety, the school runs, the after school meltdowns, the refusal to go in.
I count myself lucky that my girl has a school place and is able to access education, but it is so difficult for her……for us.

Am I ready to hand over the care of my girl to someone else after 6 weeks of being with her 24 hours a day?
6 weeks of avoiding triggers.
6 weeks of me being able to ‘read’ her movements, her expressions.

I know my girl.
I know when she is in pain, I know when she is tired, I know when she has done enough walking and can’t do anymore.
….I know she won’t tell anyone this at school.

Am I ready?
Yes.

Selfishly I am.
I need a break.
I need sleep.
I need to hoover my house without having to turn it off every few minutes to check my girl is coping with the noise.
I need to go to the supermarket and walk slowly down each aisle, not assessing everything.
I need to get out and exercise. Walk in the fresh air, anywhere, without having to check accessibility for the wheelchair.

But I am going to miss them.
Even their constant fights.
Even hearing about Pokémon every minute of every second.
Even the whistling…..maybe!

Am I ready?
Really?

I don’t know.

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