Is it a coincidence that I get bitten so much more often, in term time?
Is it a coincidence that meltdowns happen between 3pm and bedtime, in term time?
Is it a coincidence that my girl feels the need to control absolutely everything, in term time?
Is it a coincidence that I hate school?!
Hate…..a strong word perhaps.
I dislike school. Alot.
Ok then. I don’t dislike school.
It gives me a break.
A tiny bit of daily respite…..once she goes in!
A bit of time to gather myself and refill my energy stores (and patience!) before school ends.
What I hate is what it makes my girl become.
Stressed. Angry. Controlling.
Violent. Rude. Uncooperative.
Out of control.
What I know is that person isn’t my girl.
That person is a result of bottling up her emotions and anxieties and unleashing them at home where she feels safe.
That person is the dark side of Autism.
I dislike this side of Autism.
The challenging behaviour
The kicking the hitting, the biting.
Her way of releasing anxiety.
Seeking sensory input.
Communicating her distress.
Gaining back control.
My girl needs, thrives, on the routine and structure in school but she just can’t cope with it.
My girl cannot be in control at school so her anxiety soars.
Her behaviour is good at school.
At home, in term time, she is a coiled spring.
She retreats to her computer.
Her calm, safe, predictable games.
Where she can be in control. Be the boss.
She is in charge, anxiety reduces.
We walk on egg shells.
That 1 tiny thing can set off a meltdown.
A screaming rage, a total loss of control.
I don’t hate school.
I dislike what school makes my girl become.