Sad days.

On the anniversary of my sisters death, we went to visit her grave.
I try to take my children as often as I can as I believe it is important.
My boy shows appropriate emotions, asks appropriate questions, and helps me to clean up and arrange the new flowers.

My girl shows no awareness of the situation.
She knows my sister died.
She knows she is buried there and we go there to remember her.
She knows…..but doesn’t understand.

My sister passed away before I had my children.
My girl and boy have seen her photos and I talk about her everyday.
My boy gives me hugs when he sees my tears fall, my girl doesn’t recognise I am crying.

I continue to take her to the cemetery to show her that we don’t forget special people that we lose.
She has befriended a model there. A big windmill.
Our visits consist of her sitting with ‘Windmilly’.
She sits and spins the sails.
On her own.

She doesn’t like it when I talk about my sister when we are there.
She likes to be away from what we are doing.
I wonder if she does understand but can’t portray her feelings.
I wonder if the thoughts, her emotions, are all dancing around her head and she just can’t make sense of them all.
I think it is definately a concept that is difficult for her to understand.

It is difficult for me to understand.
I am unable to fully explain the reasons that she was taken from me, as I will never understand them myself.

Death is something that we all want to shelter our children from.
Something we want to pretend never happens.
My girl may seem to not be able to understand the concept….the finality, but I think it is something we do need to talk about.

2 thoughts on “Sad days.

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