Just for one day…

The hardest thing is that I have no control.
No control of The Autism.
It controls me.
Every bit of me.
Somedays I just can’t take it anymore.
Somedays I just want to hide.
Sometimes I want Autism to go away.

I often feel I have no life of my own.
I can’t arrange a day out when my girl is at school because I can’t get her in school.
Everything we do is based around Autism.
Will it cope? Will there be a meltdown? Will it be crowded? Will it smell? Will it be noisy?
We have to risk assess everything.

Sometimes I just want to be me for the day.
I want to drop my girl at school and be me.
…except I can’t get her to go.
I feel useless. I feel stupid.
I, her mother, cannot get my child into school.
“Just put her in the car”, “Take her in her nightclothes”, “Threaten to take away her treasured possessions”,
All ‘helpful’ suggestions. None of them work.
Consequences are useless for my girl, she just doesn’t care……..understand.

The consequences for me are large.
For the selfish, grumpy, part of me that wanted to attend a meeting today.
For the annoyed, unsympathetic, person I am this morning.
I know she finds school extremely difficult.
I know she struggles as she will not tell anyone how she feels or if she is in pain.
I know the social side is hard for her.
I know. I KNOW.
I know she has Autism.

Just for today I am annoyed.
I just want to be me…….for a day.
Attend a conferance about special needs that would have been helpful.

Just for today I want to be a better mum and get my girl into school on time.

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