The side that no one sees.

The side of Autism that no one sees.
Pain.
Inflicted by your child.
We all experience it.

We all experience the emotional pain.
We feel their hurt when they fall and graze their knee.
We feel their pain when they have their immunisations.
We feel our hearts break when they lose the toy they love the most.
It tugs on our heartstrings when we have to leave them somewhere we know they don’t like.

We all experience physical pain from our children.
Those bites when their first teeth cut through.
That bang to your chin when you are enthusiastically bouncing them on your knee.
That twinge in your back when they are getting too heavy to carry.

What about pain that was meant to hurt?
Pain that is caused by a total lack of control.
Your scalp burning with pain after having your hair pulled.
Your sore and bruised arms from being repeatedly bitten.
The side that no one sees.

Autism?
Behaviour?

We don’t hear about this side of Autism.
People are ashamed to admit it.
People are scared to tell people it happens.
Carers of people with Autism being the only ones who understand.

My girl can be violent.
She can lose control and lash out at anytime.
She’s not always aware that she does it.
Sometimes she is.
This is the side that no one sees.

No one sees the times I flinch as my girl is running towards me.
No one knows what it feels like to look at your child coming towards you and not know whether they are going to hug you or hurt you.
This is the side that no one sees.
Imagine the pain I feel having these feelings.

Autism and bad behaviour go hand in hand.
The behaviours are often forms of communication.
My girl comes home from school frustrated about something that we will never know about.
She shouts, she screams, she hits, she kicks, she bites, she throws things.
The target? Me.
One of the people she loves the most.
All her anger directed at me.
She knows it is wrong.
She goes from my girl to Autism in the blink of an eye and all her logic is gone.
Her focus is not to hurt me.
It is to feed a sensory deprivation.
To communicate.
The side that no one wants to see.

The pain isn’t just physical.
Emotional pain leaving more scars than the violence.
The feelings you have failed.
The helplessness.
The loneliness.
The isolation.

The worst pain of all?

The pain of feeling I have no control…..
…..over my own child.

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