Meltdown.

What started as a tantrum quickly esculated into the biggest meltdown for a long time.
We are no strangers to meltdowns, we expect them, especially on school days.
Somedays though, they take us by suprise.

I say it took me by suprise, it didn’t, I knew it was coming, I just underestimated the scale of it.

The worst thing is that I got cross at her.
The behaviour, the shouting, the hitting, the throwing.
The self harming, the hitting her head repetively, the biting herself, it was too much.
I got cross.

Meltdowns are a loss of control.
The behaviours aren’t done manipulatively.
She doesn’t even remember what she has done when she calms down.
At the time it feels like she is just out to hurt me.
That I am this awful mother that she wants to go away.
In all this I forget the Autism.
I take it personally. My emotions take over.
I get cross.

Once my girl is in meltdown the reason for it beginning becomes lost.
It goes on until it burns out.
Seemingly with no reason; but there is always a reason.
Reasons could be Sensory Overload, Information Overload, Change in Routine, Emotional Overload, Too many demands….it goes on.
My girl is verbal. She talks well but she doesn’t communicate, so most times it is unlikely I will establish the trigger.
Most days it is likely to be a mixture of things….all expertly stored up until she gets home.
Home. Where no one else sees.

I try to head it off before it happens.
Almost impossible sometimes.
Meltdowns happen in the blink of an eye.
No warning signs.
My girls stimming used to provide us with a little clue.
When her fingers started ‘dancing’ I knew she was anxious and could start distraction techniques.
Now my girls fingers remain ever moving such as the stress is always there.

Meltdowns are absolutely horrible.
The emotions that flood you while you watch your child suffer are indescribable.
Seeing your child lose control, seeing them hurt themselves, hurt you; can break your heart.
The pity, the anger, the guilt you feel.
All nothing compared to how my girl must feel.

My girl calmed. I calmed.
She asked me to go upstairs and get her 2 giant dinos.
The 2 giant dinos that only ever come down when she is highly anxious.
If only I knew why……instead of guessing.
There is a list as long as my arm of what it might be.
I wish she could just tell me.

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