Almost there.

What. A. Night.
What a week so far!
Christmas is such a hard time for my girl.
I want to make it lovely, magical…..perfect.
I want it to be something she remembers.
Happy memories. Special memories.

Every single year as Christmas approaches, behaviours increase, and I remember how hard it is.
Not just for me, but for her.

It is all too much.
Structure is loosened at school, routine changed.
Watching films, making things, drawing, colouring.
All activities my girl enjoys but it is all different.
Too different.

It was Christmas lunch at school yesterday.
A sensory nightmare.
All too overwhelming.
Meltdown as soon as we got home.
I knew it was coming, it grew in intensity from the moment I entered the classroom at the end of the day.
I knew it would happen but I couldn’t stop it.
Part of me wanted to keep her home this morning as I knew it would be too much…..
….but I didn’t. I so wanted to.

It must be so hard for her.
I think she knew it would be difficult.
She has certainly been anxious about all aspects of it.
She was aware she could have a packed lunch like usual, but she wanted to be like everyone else.
She wanted to fit in.

Tomorrow the whole school are going to the cinema.
Such a lovely idea, a great treat for the children.
……But……
They don’t know what film they are watching as it is a suprise.
I am kicking myself.
Every year I ask, and find out, the film so I can prepare my girl.
This year I forgot.
The anxieties here tonight are immeasurable.
She doesn’t want to go.
Cinemas are difficult places for her anyway.
I am not going to make her go but she feels she has to.
She wants to go with her friend.
She wants to fit in.

We have all had enough now.
Almost the end of the school term.
We are physically and mentally exhausted.

I am counting down the minutes.

I wanted to write a positive post this evening.
I wanted to highlight something happy.
There are positives, my girl has been to school almost on time these last two days.
As absolutely amazing as that is, it is so hard to focus on it when the rest of the time is spent watching my girl in a high anxiety state and in meltdown.
I want to paint a rosy picture. I do….
….but the aim of my blog is to show the reality of living with Autism.
Sometimes the reality is that the negatives far outweigh the positives.
Yes. Wrong I know but writing about the good things when you have watched your child meltdown and lose all self control leaves you feel heartbroken and the positives are washed away with your tears.

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