Tired.

Have you ever been tireder than the tiredest you have ever felt?
Have you ever felt tired is the only emotion you have felt all day?
Are you so tired that when writing the word tired you wonder if it is even spelt right?
Tired.
That word doesn’t quite cover how I feel today…
….but I am too tired to think of another word.

I am tired.
Tired of always being tired.
Life as a Special Needs Mum often results in days where I just cannot think.
Days when I feel like I can’t do anything.
Days when I feel like I need to stay in bed for a week.

I am exhausted.
Mentally drained.
Every cell of me active 24/7.
Thinking, watching, listening, researching, checking, rechecking…..always on the ball, no spare moment to switch off.
I live and breath Autism day and night.
If my girl has a rare night of sleeping through, I am still awake waiting for her to wake up.
Every time she turns, if I hear a sound, I am awake…..waiting.

My brain doesn’t want to shut off.
It doesn’t want me to sleep.
It wants me to lie awake and analyse everything I have done during the day.
It wants me to think about the things I have done wrong and make me feel bad about it.
It reminds me of the things I have done right and makes me feel better.
It wants me to be tired.
I am tired.

I am exhausted.
Physically exhausted.
No time to relax, on the edge of my seat all day, watching and waiting.
Waiting for a sign of a meltdown, watching and making sure my girl is safe, never letting my guard down.

Sleep deprivation.
Tiredness.
Tireder than tired.
Physical and mental exhaustion.
The overwhelming feeling of being completely exhausted.

All have become normal for me now but somedays it feels too much.

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