Is it ok to hate Autism?

Is it ok to hate Autism?
Sometimes the reality is that it all gets too much.
The meltdowns, the kicking, the biting, the screaming.
It just gets too much.

I know for her it is much worse.
I know that she must be going through utter hell in her head.
I know all this.
I live all this.
Just sometimes I feel sorry for me too.

School days are the worst.
The huge anxiety she faces going to school means meltdowns every morning.
…..the kicking, the biting, the screaming.
Refusing to go. Barricading herself under her bed.
Losing all control.
Screaming, shouting.
Then silence.

The silence is the worst.
My girl locked in a world where no one can reach her.
Stuck in a place where anxiety has stolen her voice, her reasoning, her control……my girl.

I cry for her. I cry for me.
My pain immeasurable against hers, but I can feel it.
She feels something but she doesn’t know what it is.
The silence.
The point where her emotions have got so intense they just stop.
She looks at me; through me.
Trapped. In anxiety. In emotion.
In Autism.

Is it ok to hate Autism?
To hate that it steals my girl?
To hate that it causes her pain?
To hate that loss of self control, the hurting of herself, the hurting of others?
To hate the frustration, for us all?
To hate how hard it makes life for her?
To hate how the world can’t accept it?

Sometimes, I don’t like Autism.
Sometimes I want to squeeze it out of my girl.
But hate? That is a strong word
No, I don’t think I could hate it.
Autism is part of my girl.
Autism is not my girl, just part of her.
I could never hate Autism.
….. but sometimes I hate what Autism does.

3 thoughts on “Is it ok to hate Autism?

  1. I know a lot of adults on the autism spectrum get judgmental over parents saying they hate autism or what autism does to their child but you’ll get no judgement from me. There’s no denying that autism is very hard for both the people who have it and their loved ones. It’s okay to talk about how hard it is and to wish things were different sometimes.

    Liked by 1 person

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