The parent meltdown.

The parent meltdown.
It isn’t always my girl, sometimes I am along side her having a meltdown of my own.
The difference being that I am still in control of myself.
It is my girl I have lost control of.

I can’t just stand and watch her meltdown.
It is the single most soul destroying thing to witness.
A part of me breaks each time it happens.

I get to a point where I cannot hold one more single ounce of sadness or anxiety.
I have no room left.
I am full.

The feeling of failure….I think that is what it is.
Seeing your child in so much distress and not being able to help.
Seeing her hurt herself and lashing out.
Wanting to pick her up and hug her better.

But I can’t.
I get frustrated.
I lose my temper.
I can’t just stand and watch, I get the urge to do something.
I feel compelled to help…..to interfere.
The hardest thing to do is stay calm.
I NEED to stay calm but I can’t.
Every single one of my emotions is pulling me in a different direction.
I can’t handle it.
I am being driven to be at war with myself.
I say the wrong things.
I make it worse.

It isn’t happening to me, the meltdown, but I feel every second.
My patience leaks away as stress takes over.
It is selfish.
I feel guilt. Could I have prevented it?
Is this all my fault?

My meltdown isn’t a meltdown.
It is stress.
I feel as though I lose control, like I have no control, like I had no control.
I feel as though anxiety, exhaustion and frustration are in control of me.
They direct me; they drain me.

I keep it hidden away.
The outside me is different.
I am calm, I am patient, I am in control.
I feel none of those things, but I am.
I am an Autism mum.
I am no stranger to meltdown.
I can deal with them. I CAN and I do.
The inside me is a different story.
I can’t imagine how hard this is for my girl.

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