Are we ever happy?

Are we ever truly happy?

We had a very bad start to our week with the return to school and meltdowns, but Thursday and Friday were so much better.
I should be happy but I just don’t feel it.

Finding something positive, achieving happiness……it just makes you want more.
Is more ever enough?

My girl was in school on time Thursday and Friday.
I was shocked, elated, over the moon and so, so proud.
But……why do I feel like this?
I feel happy, I do, but we haven’t won the battle.
My girl was so ill with anxiety before school and has vowed never to be on time again.
I don’t feel happy because for every battle we win, there are still many more to fight.

We got our Disability Living Allowance renewed this week.
I have been so worried about it, but now we have the decision I don’t feel happy like I thought I would.
I feel sad because my girl is confirmed as disabled, and sad because in 3 1/2 years we have the trauma of the form all over again.
I should be happy.
Happy because it is one less thing to worry about.
I am happy….I am….I just don’t feel like it.

How is happiness measured?
If it is in smiles then I am happy….but not all those smiles are real.
Smiles get us through the day, smiles hide all sorts of things.
Smiling is not happiness.

Truly, as a special needs parent, I don’t think we can ever be happy.
There is always something else to fight for, always another service we need but cannot access.
Fight, after fight, after fight, it’s just one long battle.

I am happy with my girl. That is a different happy.
Happy that she managed to overcome her anxiety to get into school on time.
Happy that she had the courage to tell me that she could never do it again.
Happy that we are entitled to DLA so we can provide all she needs, and I can spend all my time caring for her.

I am just not happy with the constant battles.
The time I should be spending enjoying my girl, enjoying the happy moments, I am ticking off lists of fights to be fought.
It shouldn’t be this way, but if I don’t fight for it, who will?

Is it just that I am a grumpy 30 something lacking sleep?
Maybe it is because my girls hates praise that I feel as though I don’t make her happy?
But are we ever truly happy?
Is there ever a point in our lives when we can sit down and say “yes, I am happy,” without something lingering in the background?
I don’t know.

Tonight I am celebrating the good things.
I am being happy!
I am toasting to happiness and all things that make us happy!
To our children, to our partners, to chocolate and to wine……Cheers! 🍷


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