Woe be me.

Today has been hard.
Really hard.
The change in routine due to no school and our upcoming holiday has introduced some very challenging behaviours.

It’s a viscous cycle for me.
….for me.
The selfish one.
The one who feels the need to talk about how Autism is hard for me…..

I live in a loop.
I wake up tired, I wake up grumpy.
My mood makes me feel tired, which makes my mood worse.
Factor in trying to care for a child with additional needs who has no reasoning skills..
….woe be me.

I am in pain.
Physical pain. Mental pain.
My body taking the brunt of the meltdowns, my brain unable to process my feelings.
The fear, the anger, the guilt…
…woe be me.

I feel like a failure.
I can’t understand my child because I don’t understand Autism.
I will never fully understand Autism.
Down, depressed, anxious.
…woe be me.

When all is quiet and my girl is asleep, I sit and watch her.
I see then that I am not all I feel.
I am doing my best, even if I feel like I am not.

Ever consumed in negative feelings.
Ever consumed in sleep deprived ramblings…
…woe be me.


One thought on “Woe be me.

  1. Sometimes that’s what we are left with … at the end of another challenging day; the Reflections on the bits that were hard. But under that…im certain you’ve had your triumphs. Maybe small but they will have been there. One of our biggest hurdles and lifelong nemesis when tired is the ‘best’ you’ve felt in years, is to overcome the negative self talk; we have a mental filter which disqualifies the positives leaving us set up for feeling a failure. My negative self talk fuels my procrastination and my blog gets neglected which is metaphorical.. or not!
    Thanks for sharing.
    You are not alone. #virtualvillage

    Liked by 1 person

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