Accepting help.

Why is accepting help so hard?
It is what I ask for, what I write about.
I ask for people to be more understanding, to be there……to help.
So why do I feel like a failure when I get it?

It was a hard one.
One of those situations where a meltdown is underway and you know there is no way you can distract from it.
A demand has been made, I have denied it, and the whole world came crashing down at her feet.
The whole school day of accepting demands herself, she needed to regain control.
But I said no.
It has to be done, I can’t be controlled by my child the whole time….
….can I? Should I?
If I had it wouldn’t have happened. Well, not at school at least.

Being a parent is really hard.
Knowing what to do for the best.
Decision making.
Made harder for Autism parents as the child cannot always process the emotions created by your choice.
Harder because you cannot predict their reactions.
Even went you think you have made the right decision, it is not always right.

I am trying to stand my ground, to not give into constant demands.
Really trying.
By not understanding my girls emotional state, this can end up in a meltdown.
I cannot tell she is on edge, her facial expression stays the same, she cannot tell me how she feels.
I have to judge for myself.
I walk on eggshells.

I was extremely glad of the help this afternoon.
I could see no way out.
It worked and I am full of gratitude for the people who offered to help and who did help..
But….
…at the same time I feel like I should have been able to do it myself.
Why? I don’t even know myself.

Sometimes others helping can make things worse.
Sometimes it is in the timing of the help.
Mid meltdown my girl is lost in a world no one else has access to, but when she is on her way back, intervention is possible (and very welcome!)

It is all about how I am perceived. That is what it is I think.
I spend too much of my time ‘performing’ a role that I see to be right.
Too much time worrying what people think.
Do people help because they think I can’t manage?
Do people see my child kick and bite me and think I am a terrible mother?
Do people judge me on my childs behaviour?
Is that why they help?
I know the answers of course, they are all No.
People help because they want to help.
They help because they see that I am struggling and cannot do it alone.
They don’t see anything but a parent trying to regain control of a child in the midst of a meltdown.
So why do I find that so hard to see?

Accept help when you need it.

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