It’s not about me.

What a week!
It has been a hard one and I am not afraid to admit that I have struggled.
I have struggled……
….imagine how hard it has been for my girl.

It is all too easy for me to tell you how exhausted I feel, how stressed I feel, how I feel so low.
I get caught up with my own feelings and lose sight of how difficult the week has been for my girl too.

Her behaviours are her communication.
Unable to decipher, express or understand her feelings, challenging behaviour becomes the outlet for all of her emotions.

I have been bitten, kicked, hit, spat at, sworn at, shouted at and kept awake to name but a few.
It has been really hard.
I felt like I had hit rockbottom.
I made myself the victim.
Whilst it is true to a degree, the victim is really my girl.
She is locked in a body that speaks French and all she speaks is English.
She is being tickled with feathers, when the only thing she can feel is stone.
Stress, pain, sadness, anger…..there has to be an outlet, even if she has no idea what these emotions feel like.

Her actions can be hurtful. It is like she wants to hurt me.
It feels like they are purposeful moves, it hurts.
I forget that they are not.
I forget that she has lost control and she is unable to decide her actions.
I forget that she is at the point of no return and the things she says and does aren’t my girl.
She doesn’t mean to do these things, and more often than not, she doesn’t even remember doing them.
Easy to forget, so easy, when you are the target.

I can’t imagine being my girl.
She is stuck in a place that I will never fully understand.
Trying to express how she feels, trying to fit in, trying to understand a world that makes no sense.
She tries to communicate in ways that are not acceptable.
I explain to her, I get cross, and tell her that some behaviours are not appropriate, but what good is that when she doesn’t fully understand why she is doing them?
I tell her off, I get upset. She doesn’t. It is lost on her. I feel guilty…..it is a viscious cycle.

My girl needs to learn right from wrong.
If she is to lead an independant life she needs to be aware that she cannot use challenging behaviours, such as biting, as an outlet.
Anxiety is at fault. Anxiety is her driver.
It takes her to places I cannot access.
It makes her do things we don’t accept.
It makes me sad, angry, depressed…….
…..ME! It makes me…..
My girl.
This is about my girl.
If only I had the key to unlock the secret to enable her to understand her feelings.
If only I could remember it is not all about me.

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