What a day!

You know those days where everything goes wrong?
Then you look back and over analyse it and then it seems worse?
Today has been just that.

It started off bad and then lingered all day.
My girl was just in one of those moods.
The “I absolutely must be in charge of everything” moods.
It has been hard, really hard.

We have been looking forward to today all week.
My best friend and her boys were coming over.
My girl loves them all and was very excited……
….but it was all too much.
She couldn’t be in control.
Meltdown. Violence. Screaming  shouting.
Demand avoidance. Absolutely everything had to be in her control.
Everything.

I feel drained.
Drained from watching my girl suffer, drained from seeing her lose control.
Drained from being bitten, hit and having my hair pulled.
Drained from pretending to our friends that I know what I am doing.
Drained from the constant demands that arise from the anxiety accompanying Autism.
Drained from coping with the unpredictable, predictable.

Some days I just feel useless.
I want to argue back, I want to stand my ground and tell her what’s what, I want to be the Mum I should be.
I want to put Anxiety into a box and throw it away.
Autism has nothing on anxiety, but anxiety has a hold on everything.

I know the reasons why my girl needs to be in  charge.
I know it plays a huge part in Autism, by being in control she can avoid the unexpected.

I know why, I understand why…
….it just doesn’t make it any easier.

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