Friendships.


I’m sat upstairs and all I can hear downstairs is laughter.
I’ve watched them play together all morning.
Excitement, giggles, role play, no one in control, just play.
It is calm, and happy.
No fights, no shouting.
I’m sat upstairs smiling.

Inside is far from smiles.
Inside my heart is crying.

My girl is at respite today.
My boy has his friend over to play.
Something which we can’t do when my girl is home.
She has to be in control of everything, she has to choose what they play, how long they play it for.
It is so hard for my boy.
It’s just so difficult for him to just be his self and play what they want.
So today he had fun.

Whilst I was sat smiling listening to the giggles, I felt so sad.
It made me realise how different my girl is.
How much she struggles socially.

Is different the right word to use?
I don’t know. It feels wrong but it is the only way to describe it.
She plays differently. She interacts differently. She communicates differently, all things I have realised today.
When you spend so much time with someone you don’t see the differences.
My girl is just my girl.

My girl will never have the relationship that my boy has with his friends.
It is always going to be different.
Play doesn’t mean the same to her; I’m not sure she even understands the concept.
Games must always be played by her rules, and she must always win.
Role play is directed and dictated by my girl telling people what to do.
I long to see her sat down with a friend and hear a constant flow of giggles as I have today.

My heart sings for joy that my boy has a friend who brings him so much laughter.
My heart sags in sadness that my girl misses out.

Autism is a funny thing.
What it takes away from some areas it more than makes up in others.
Somedays I love the quirks and honesty that it brings, other days I want it to go away.

My girl is my girl and Autism is a part of her.
I wouldn’t ever want to change it but sometimes seeing the difference between her and my boy really pulls at my heartstrings.

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