I like to think I am a kind person.
I like to think I am calm and approachable.
…..I know I am not a very good friend.
I am selfish and absorbed in a world of Autism and disability.
They are all I talk about.
They are all I think about.
Everything I do and say revolves around my child.
I am grumpy because of the lack of sleep.
I am grumpy because I can’t access the help I need.
I am grumpy because I am not the parent I thought I would be.
I am isolated.
Devoid of people willing to listen.
I have driven them away with my dysfunctional behaviour.
My life is too much for some people.
I am judged.
My parenting abilities questioned.
I cry and cry as I hear whispers of how I am failing.
Tears of frustration and despair as someone else says I don’t discipline my child.
Friends come and go.
The cracks in the relationship appear as Autism and behaviours are witnessed.
The lack of understanding of how Autism affects behaviour drives another away.
I am left in my lonely world.
I pull myself away.
Scared of what people think, what people say.
Scared because I know what my life looks like to someone looking in.
I talk about Autism all the time.
I don’t talk about ‘Our Autism’.
The reality of it, my feelings, things that only people going through the same would ever understand.
It is too hard to hear.
Autism takes alot of my time and energy.
Maintaining friendships is hard work.
My life can be overwhelming.
My house is a mess.
I am just exhausted and probably come across as not having time for friends anymore.
My closest friend ‘gets it’.
A fellow Autism parent who understands just how hard it can be.
There is no judgement, no assumption.
No need to explain if I need to cancel a cake date at short notice…..again.
I live entangled in a web of guilt.
Guilt for who I am, what I do, how I fail.
But I have come to realise what is important in my life.
My inability to ‘keep’ friends is no longer high on my to do list.