So, very, tired.

Sleep deprivation.
A very real part of Autism.
For the carers it is one of the most difficult things to handle.
Everything is so much harder when you are tired.

Being tired is hardwork.
Being tired all the time makes everything hardwork.
You never get used to it. Ever.
My girl has never been a good sleeper, from crying her way through the nights as a newborn, to shouting her way through as a 11 year old.
I am permanently exhausted….
..and grumpy.
Tiredness makes this Mummy very grumpy.
My girl just doesn’t seem to need the sleep.
She went to sleep, finally, at 6am this morning, after being awake all night, to wake up again at 8am.

I suppose, to an extent, we do get used to sleep deprivation.
Getting used to it and coping with it are two different things.
I am used to being woken up regularly throughout the night, I am used to having to get up in the early hours of the morning.
That doesn’t mean I can cope with it.
I do it because I have to.
I am still human.
There comes a time when my body just can’t cope with being tired anymore.

I am exhausted.
It is nearly the end of the summer holidays and I have reached a zombiefied state.
I need sleep.
My girl needs sleep, she must do…
…but something deep within her sees no need to let her rest.
Even though she decides to start her days very early, she doesn’t/won’t admit to feeling tired.
Her body needs rest as much, if not more than, mine.
She needs to sleep well and rest, but she just can’t switch off.

With my girls tiredness comes an increase in her behaviours, an overwhelming feeling of a need to control everything…..absolutely everything.
It is extremely hard for us all.
Whilst trying to allow for, and understand the Autism, my tiredness creates a fog that I can barely see through, I can’t think. I can’t understand.

My girl has fallen asleep by 8.45pm.
Melatonin has done its job. (Ssshhh, I don’t want to jinx it!).
I am going to sneak out of her room, go downstairs and enjoy a hot cup of tea before I go to bed myself.
Tomorrow is a new day, each day bringing a new challenge.

Some days, mostly tired days….most days, all I can see are the challenges.
I wish I had the ability to focus on the positives.
The tiredness robs me of all my positivity.
The tiredness makes this Autism Mum, a grumpy, negative, moan all the time, kind of person.

Sleep well, please lets all sleep well.


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