Is Autism scary?

Autism.
That scary word.
That scary condition.
Scary?
Only because we can’t ever fully understand it.
My son is scared of the dark.
He is frightened because he can’t see what is going to happen.
….just like Autism.

I have lived and breathed Autism for 11 years of my girls life, and it still scares me.
The unpredictability.
Just when you think things are going well, something changes and it throws everything into chaos.
You can’t always fix it because you may never know what changed.
You feel….I feel….useless; a failure.

Living with Autism means we have to monitor our conversations, movements….well everything, constantly.
We have to be hyper aware of every single little thing.
We need to be observers of potential triggers for meltdowns.
Everything, anything, we do or say could be that one thing that causes overload.
It is scary.

Am I scared of my own child?
Sometimes.
Am I scared of Autism?
All the time.

The fear is real.
I am scared I am going to see my child wracked with anxiety and not be able to do anything to help.
I am scared I will have to watch my child lose control in a meltdown and hurt themselves or others around them.
I am scared to let her into a situation where I know she won’t understand what is expected of her.
I am scared to let her be herself and be mocked and judged by people who don’t understand.
I am scared of doing everything wrong and making everything worse.
….I am scared that sometimes I lose my girl to the Autism.

Is my girl scared?
She is fearless.
….she is my hero.

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