Changes….

My girl is starting a new medication tonight.
It is to help manage her pain long term.
Whilst I am happy that, potentially, we can make her feel better, I am scared.
Anything new with my girl fills me with dread.

My girl took the medicine and is excited that it might work…..
…..then was disappointed that half an hour later she wasn’t feeling better.
I don’t know what is hurting.
I don’t know why she is hurting.
I don’t ever know because she can’t tell me.
That is why this new medication terrifies me.

It will take a few weeks to work….
….but the side effects are what frighten me.
As usual the information leaflet lists enough to make me not want to give it to her.
The side effects are awful – if she gets them.
What is panicking me is that I may not even know if she is suffering from any of them.
She won’t….can’t….tell me.

All I can do is watch her and assess her behaviour.
She suffers from so much already, so the last thing I want is to make her feel worse.
I desperately want to see my girl out of pain.
I can see it in her face, her eyes tell me.
I see her sat stiff as her joints dislocate and make her scared to move.
I watch as she moves around, then drops to the floor as something hurts her.
Time and time again I see her relocate her wandering joints.
I want her to feel more comfortable.

She is in pain 24/7.
I asked the Dr if she had a high pain threshold, her reply made me cry.
She told me that my girl is probably just used to the pain.
I just can’t imagine how she copes with it….
….and then I remember that she just can’t tell me.

My girl can talk. She talks alot.
She has difficulty communicating.
Talking and communicating are two entirely different things.
I hope that one day she may be able to fully tell us her discomforts, but until then we have to rely in medications to help…
…no matter how much they terrify me.

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