Dark Christmas.

I know you are going to say she can’t help it.
I know you will say it is Autism, it is because of Christmas…
….and I know you are right…
But it feels personal.
It feels like she knows what she is doing..
The anger, the violence, the hurtful words..
….it is all directed at me.
I hate it.

I feel like a failure.
She has lost all control and it is my fault….my fault because I just don’t understand.
My fault because she wants to be in control of everything, and I just can’t let that happen.

To be boss, to tell us all what to do, to tell us what to eat, what to watch on tv, where we can go and when…..that is our autism.
Constant and consuming.
I feel imprisoned.
I am so deep in this now I can’t see a way back.

It is so dark in here.
The Christmas lights have gone out.
The excitement replaced by ever growing anxiety.
The anxiety taking control of our every move.
The fear, the constant watching and waiting.

Christmas isn’t always excitement and happiness.


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