Happy New Year?

I was going to try and write something inspirational.
I was going to start by saying I will try and be more positive in my blog.
I was going to try and find all the good in Autism and write about that instead.
My new years blog resolution was to paper over the cracks and show the happier side….
….and then this morning started at 4am with a meltdown that lasted 4 hours.

I was hit, bitten, kicked, punched, verbally abused and sworn at.
She screamed and woke up the house…..and probably the street.
She could not be reasoned with, and her need for control was consuming any rational thoughts she was capable of making.
Why?
My girl awoke from a dream, and dissassociated from the world, she was angry with the injustice she had thought was real.

This is the side of Autism that the public don’t see.
This is the side of Autism no one likes to talk about…
….but I do….to show the reality of it all.
The unpredictability.
Writing it down started out as my therapy.
I have had people comment saying I shouldn’t ‘allow’ the behaviours, but that is what I am trying to show people.
Autism isn’t about bad behaviour or bad parenting, my childs brain is wired differently.
My girls’ brain is not like our own, and it is going to take time to learn to understand it.

My girl has had a bad day.
All of us have struggled.
I told her about it being new year tomorrow.
Today is 2018, tomorrow is 2019.
A simple concept for you and I,
Not a simple concept for My Girl.
…..especially when her anxious mind was still hovering somewhere high in the red zone.

My girl can tell the time, but finds it difficult to understand the passage of time.
Imagine not having a good sense of time.
Imagine not being to tell how long 5 minutes is.
How long a day is.
A week. A month…….a year.
Then imagine me telling you tomorrow is a New Year.
Panic.
Major panic.
I regretted telling her as soon as it came out of my mouth.
It was one of those things that I thought may have been a distraction…….what was I thinking?!

How will it be December 31st again?
No matter how much I explained I just dug her further into the black hole of anxiety.
All she could think was that in a year it would be December 31st again, the concept of a new year starting at midnight was just too much.
So we stopped talking about it.
Tomorrow is just that, tomorrow.

So; my New Years resolution is to continue as I am.
I will share Autism in all its highs and lows.
I will write about how life really is.

Happy New Year.

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