Fear…

She comes over to me.
I flinch.
Am I going to get hurt?
Is she going to bite, kick, shout or punch?
I freeze in terror.
But she just leans on me.
….She just wanted a hug.

I want to hug her back but she has gone.
Just the briefest of touches.
I sit in shock…..not pain.
Not fear.

This is what it has become.
The unpredictability has been engulfed by fear.
I am scared….
….of my own child….
….of Autism, of anxiety.

I fear for the consequence of every action I take.
I brace myself for any mistake I make.
I analyse every single thing I do.
I check, double check, triple check.

I make routine to reduce anxiety.
Anxiety increases the need for control.
Routines get changed.
Control increases anxiety.
….a viscious cycle where no one can win..
……..meltdown.
Anxiety wins.

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