That ‘W’ word.

As I tried to console my girl, I absent mindedly used the ‘W’ word.
I was greeted by rage.
Uncontrollable, raw rage.
I know not to use it.
We have had this discussion many, many times.
I can’t use the ‘A’ word, the ‘G’ word, the ‘S’ word, the ‘E word, or any other of the words that come under one heading.

The ‘W’ word.
I had told my girl not to ‘worry’ about it….
…..and instantly kicked myself.
You see, my girl will not allow herself to be associated with any emotion words.
Not just words, but facial expressions and body language.
It is so difficult to manage.
So difficult to converse about anything without using emotion words.

I used the ‘H’ word tonight.
“Are you happy to be home?”.
“You know I don’t do those things”, came her reply, and then growls of anger and disapproval.
And I know not to equate emotions to her daily activities,
I know not to reference her behaviour with any emotions,
But I do, it is human nature, empathy, to find out how someone is feeling.

I don’t know how my girl feels.
I don’t know if she knows or even understands.
When she is crying she is not the ‘U’ word.
When she is shouting she is not the ‘A’ word.
When she is laughing she is not the ‘H’ word.
Does it mean she knows what the emotions are if she knows the words?
Or does it mean she doesn’t understand the feeling and is worried she will use the wrong word to describe it?
Is she avoiding the demand to equate an emotion to the way she is feeling?
I honestly don’t know.

My girl has never appeared to grasp the concept of emotions.
If someone is crying she appears not to notice.
If someone is shouting she doesn’t appear scared, she appears to be excited.
If someone is laughing she will roar her loudest fake laugh just to fit in.

I wonder how she manages daily like this.
To not fully know, to not fully understand, how a person is feeling.
To not know, or understand, how she is feeling herself.
An emotionless world must be a very scary place to be.

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