Shouted at day in day out.
Every minute of the day and the night.
If I don’t answer her quick enough, if I don’t hear her……if I don’t know what she is thinking.
It is her method of communication.
And I know I am extremely lucky that she is verbal and able to communicate.
….sometimes I just can’t bare it.
Today I have had enough.
Enough of being shouted at for things that I do not know.
Enough of being shouted at because I cannot read her mind and know what she wants.
Enough of asking her and hearing her shouting “YOU DO KNOW” and then growling at me.
….I don’t know. I really don’t.
If only she understood that if I did know I would help her.
I know that is what it is and I should be celebrating that fact.
But amongst Autism are pre teen hormones, rudeness and answering back.
Swearing. Lots of swearing. Not whispered so no one can hear, shouted for the world to hear.
Rudeness. That’s what it comes across as, but whilst 10% may be age related behaviour, 90% is anger and frustration at not being able to understand the world around her.
Imagine being shouted at everyday,
Imagine feeling so much emotion that you need to shout everyday.
Imagine all of your emotions building up to such a level that the only way you know to release them is to shout.
Imagine only ever feeling happy or angry, and not being able to differentiate any of the emotions inbetween.
Imagine how hard it is for my girl.
I find it so difficult.
Human nature has taught me that shouting is an expression of a strong emotion, typically fear, pain or anger, and is something I don’t like.
I don’t like the emotions it evokes….
….but at least I can explain how it makes me feel.
My girl can’t help it. (Well, 90% of the time!)
And I can’t help the way it makes me feel.
It is draining. Upsetting. Heartbreaking.
To be chastised by your child, to be told you should know all the things she thinks.
…..To not be able to help ☹