The perfect Autism parent.

I don’t know what just happened.
One minute all was calm, the next minute a scene of utter confusion.
I stare on like a rabbit in the headlights.
Shocked, panicked, scared.
I can’t move. I daren’t move.
I don’t know what to do.
It came from nowhere.
I want to calm my child but my anger at the destruction she has caused has rendered me speechless.

I should know what to do.
I should be able to manage these situations with my eyes closed.
I should be able to look at my child and know what is wrong, and fix it.
The truth is, I dont always get it right.
I am not the picture perfect Autism mum who knows exactly what my child needs.
I am just human….
….a human dealing with Autism.
I am not an expert in Autism, neither does it seem, am I an expert in my child.

Her eyes flit and flee, not knowing what to focus on.
She glances at me briefly, with trust, like she knows I can fix it and make it all better.
I want to prove her right, but I just don’t know how.
I don’t always hold it together, I don’t always have it right.
I get annoyed and lose my temper….
…but she knows I love her…doesnt she?

My tears fall and I make her false promises that it will all be ok.
I can’t control her life, her Autism, the unpredictability of the world, all I can do is make her promises that I can’t keep.

My heart is shattered.
Not broken, shattered; into a hundred tiny pieces.
Only ever to be glued back together, never fixed completely.

I feel like I do nothing more than discipline her.
I can’t explain to her why she feels like she does, or I feel like I do.
I harbour a rage that I dont know what to do with.
It lives with me….in me.
I blame Autism, everything, anything….but what if it is just me?
Negativity is my default emotion.
Negativity is me.

I harbour a guilt that consumes my every second.
What child memories will she have?
No memories of games in the garden, no memories of sleeping under the stars, no memories of family days out and picnics on the beach.
Just Mummy shouting? Mummy worrying, panicking?
I try to hold onto the things that make me smile, but the guilt eats away at them and leaves me nothing but darkness.

Sometimes you need to focus on the
shit bits because it is those that shape our future.
Sometimes. But not all the time.

While I sometimes want to run away, I know I will never really feel better unless I confront the difficult things.
I can’t hide from reality.
I need to learn to cope, to manage the hard times.
To understand the reasons I can’t fix everything…
…because I am a Mum, I should be able to fix it all.
You can’t fix Autism.
I wouldn’t want to.
I try so hard to understand it, to make sense of the scary world for my girl, but sometimes it beats me.

The reality of Autism.