Fed up.

I don’t hate Autism….
….but I don’t always like it.

I don’t like the way I don’t understand it.
I don’t like the way I can’t see the world through its’ eyes.
I don’t like the anxiety and fustration.
I don’t like the meltdowns and violence.
I don’t like the way it hurts me.
I don’t like the way it breaks my possessions.

Today I am fed up of Autism.

I love my child more than life itself.
I wouldn’t change a thing about her.
But somedays everything is just so hard.
Every single second is a fight I can never win.
Every single second my heart sinks as I watch my child ebb away and I don’t know how to bring her back.

I’m tired of it.
Tired of not knowing, not understanding, of being cross, of feeling guilty, of feeling remorseful.
I feel every emotion so vividly, whilst she feels nothing at all.

Things got damaged in our house again today.
As soon as she got home from school she had a massive meltdown and I have no way of knowing why.
I got cross because they are our familys’ things.
Cross because they cost money, because we work hard to save up…
…and then felt dreadful because they are JUST things.
Things that can be replaced. Things that don’t even matter.

I’m fed up with it.
Fed up of……I don’t even know what.
Of not knowing, not understanding, not being able to help, getting cross, being insensitive, feeling useless.

I would give anything for one day where things were just easy.
One day where I could have Autism and find a way to help my child.

I don’t hate Autism.
I don’t want to take it away, find a fix or a cure.
My child wouldn’t be my child without it.
I just want to like it again.
I just want to be able to understand.

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