Lost.

Somenights I want to sit and write all of my thoughts and feelings, but it is just to awful to put into words.
I want to write what it has really been like today, but I get scared that I will be judged.
I want to get these jumbled feelings flying around my head on to paper, but I don’t even know where to start.

I want to be able to share the reality about our family life without people thinking I am asking for sympathy.
I want to scream, shout and write all these mixed up feelings down and get them off my mind.
I want to tell you how hard it is, and how some days I just don’t know what to do.
I want to write without my tears blurring my vision.

Somedays we spend time with people the same as us and I want to be them.
I see them calm, collected, positive and I physically hurt inside to be just like them.
They have their head together, they are coping with this, they get it.

I see my family being pulled, stretched, ripped apart and then put back together again.
I feel the pressure to keep us all happy, but feel the control trying to tear it apart.
I want to be in control. Me. Not the disability, not the Autism, me.

Somedays a jumble of words is all I feel.
I can’t make sense of it all.
Every emotion melted together until I don’t know if I am crying because I am happy, angry or sad.
The frustration eats away at every ounce of my being.
I want to be me, but I can’t.

I can’t tell you all my thoughts and feelings tonight because I am lost in a sea of emotions, waves of words pumelling me and pushing me down.

I just want to tell you how it really is…
…not just for me, but for us all at home.
It is not just me, it is not the worst for me…
…but I just don’t know where I’d begin.

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