I don’t even know what I want to say.
I just want to talk…..
I just want someone to listen.
….because in real life there isn’t always someone there.
My reality is that I am mostly alone.
People upped and left when my girl got her diagnosis.
Scared of how to react, what to say to me?
Scared of my girl, of her behaviours?
People always offer help and support, but where are they when I need it?
I can count on half a hand the people who I can rely on.
The only people who get it.
The only people who have got to know my girl.
The only people who have spent enough time with us to see how it all affects us.
The only people who understand…… because they wanted to.
I didn’t ask them to.
These are the people I need, people who want to be part of our journey.
I get lonely.
I get fed up.
I get depressed.
I have my girl with her various problems to care for 24/7.
It is not just her Autism, she has a plethora of other problems.
The weight of them all on my shoulders drags me down.
The guilt holding me hostage.
The lack of sleep through my girl being awake alot of the night.
Not just awake, but awake and in pain, with nothing I can do to help.
Not just awake with my girl, but awake with anxiety and to do lists whizzing around my head.
There are so few people who I can talk to about it all.
So few people who will just listen, and not judge.
So few people who will accept my girl for who she is.
So few people who actually believe what our reality involves.
I haven’t got time to ring, message or ask everyone how they are doing.
I lose friends because of this.
I don’t always reply to messages or texts because I have so much to do.
Not just physical things, but time for me too.
People walk out of my life because they haven’t accepted that I am always busy.
I may not be busy caring when my child is at school, I may be sleeping.
I may be out walking, I may be making phonecalls, or sending emails.
I may just be sitting in the dark having a cry.
But, whatever I am doing it is because I have a child with disabilities.
I need time to recover, repair myself for when my caring role starts again when my child returns.
I need to get things done, but ultimately, stay strong for my girl…..because no one understands her the way I do.
My thoughts take me to lonely places.
Having a child with disabilities is isolating.
There are so many places we can’t go, things we can’t do.
My girl doesn’t want to visit people, she wants the safety of her home.
Socialising is exhausting, and unless people understand her, it is not enjoyable……for anyone.
So it is easier to stay home…..alone..
I have so much to get off my chest.
So many things I want to say, but where would I start, who would I even say them to.
In real life there isn’t always someone there.
Real life can be lonely.