Sat with the children tonight I laughed.
I haven’t laughed for so long, I hadn’t even realised how miserable I have been.
Home has been so hard recently that I have neglected myself, physically and emotionally.
I feel emotionless, like I feel everything so much that I now feel nothing.
All of my feelings are in a tangle and the overwhelming emotions I feel are the negative ones.
I wonder if this is how my girl feels?
Is this how it is for her everyday?
I have been consumed by sadness, anger, frustration, guilt and tiredness.
Held hostage by the emotions that needed all of me.
They took it all…..my happy, my laugh, my smile.
I was so wrapped up in my failings that I forgot how to be me.
I am in the darkness.
I have lost all of my motivation to do the things I used to enjoy.
My brain continually refocusing my thoughts to the dark side.
The dark side telling me there is no way out.
Depression and anxiety, eating away at me, creeping into every happy thought I own.
I laughed tonight.
The dark hasn’t completely got me just yet.
My girl made me laugh.
My girl initiated a ‘hug’.
My girl lifted the dark from my eyes and made me feel again.
I felt love, I felt pride. Had I forgotten that?
Had it taken that too?
I need to refocus.
I need to remember.
I need to use this calm few hours to remind myself that it isn’t always hard.
I need to claw back my happy and leave the dark side….
….because the very nature of violent and challenging behaviour in Our Autism means that I will soon be back there.