What. A. Night.
What a week, what a month so far!
Christmas is such a hard time for my girl.
I want to make it lovely, magical…..perfect.
I want it to be something she remembers.
Happy memories. Special memories.
I want to make it something she loves.
Every single year as Christmas approaches, behaviours increase, and I remember how hard it is.
Not just for me, but for her.
It is all too much.
Structure is loosened at school, routine changed.
Watching films, making things, drawing, colouring.
All activities my girl enjoys, but it is all different.
It must be so hard for her.
I think she knows Christmas will be difficult.
She is certainly anxious about all aspects of it.
She says that she can’t wait, and seems to be excited, but it is all learnt behaviour.
She wants to be like everyone else.
She wants to fit in.
We haven’t even got our decorations up at home but we have all had enough already.
We know as soon as the decorations go up, behaviours will increase.
Over the years we have reduced the sensory information by not putting lights or tinsel up, infact we stick to the bare minimum.
As my girl has a neurotypical brother we don’t want to have to let him miss out on more than he already does.
We are physically and mentally exhausted as the year end approaches
I am counting down the minutes until the schools break up for the holidays….
….but for all the wrong reasons.
The control, the violence, the emotional trauma, we all know it will get worse.
Christmas is just not a happy time.
Christmas is a time spent stressed that we are not going to get it right.
Time we spend walking on eggshells not knowing what the next trigger will be.
It is so hard to focus on the happy events when the rest of the time is spent watching my girl in a high anxiety state and in meltdown.
I want to paint a rosy picture. I do….
….but the aim of my blog is to show the reality of living with Autism.
Sometimes the reality is that the negatives far outweigh the positives.
Yes, wrong I know, but writing about the good things when you have watched your child meltdown and lose all self control leaves you feel heartbroken and the positives are washed away with your tears.
I do love Christmas, I really do.
I know we are all supposed to be jolly and happy and savour every second of family time….
….but that is just not our reality.