Autism behaviour cycle

Cycles.
Cycles of behaviour.
Is it just my girl?

It has been a like this since day one.
We have periods of near constant meltdowns and horrendous violent and controlling behaviours.
Then we have periods of calm.

It goes from one extreme to another.
From wanting to kill me, to never leaving my side.
….I just can’t get my head around it.

This weekend has been calm.
It has been so lovely.
My girl wanting my attention, following me everywhere I go, and leaning on me wherever I am.
I have really loved it,
But…
I am always waiting anxiously for the tables to turn.
It steals away the time I want to spend enjoying my daughter.
My time is spent walking on eggshells, waiting for the trigger.

I wish I knew why.
What causes the behaviour, what makes her feels safe enough to be herself?
What makes her change in the blink of an eye?

The worrying thing, of course, is that the behaviour I interpret as ‘lovely’ this weekend, could also be a display of anxiety.
The anxiety that has not yet weedled itself deep into the emotions she is yet to understand.
This anxiety, I know, will manifest into the viscious side of the cycle due to appear.

Anxiety.
The bearer of all things bad in Our Autism.
The drive for all behaviours.

One thought on “Autism behaviour cycle

  1. The calm moments can be even more stressful because I’m waiting for it to switch. So awful. There’s nothing worse than an out-of-the-blue meltdown. Completely unprepared.
    It must be similar to what they feel when something unexpectedly changes.
    I’m glad you had calm. We had tense🤷🏼‍♀️

    Like

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