When I look in the mirror.

When I looked in the mirror as a little girl, I thought I would grow up and conquer the world, I’d get married, have children and have lots of money, I’d have a big house and live somewhere sunny. When I looked in the mirror as a girl in my teens, My thoughts were of…… Continue reading When I look in the mirror.

Prisoner.

I feel like a prisoner. Being held hostage by Autism; by anxiety. Enclosed in a house with no way out, locked windows and doors. Curtains drawn to avoid the bright sunlight and the shadows of the unknown. Dressed in a uniform dictated by my captor; by sensory processing problems. Clothes that are soft and loose.…… Continue reading Prisoner.

Accepting help.

Why is accepting help so hard? It is what I ask for, what I write about. I ask for people to be more understanding, to be there……to help. So why do I feel like a failure when I get it? It was a hard one. One of those situations where a meltdown is underway and…… Continue reading Accepting help.

Pain.

Is pain an emotion? It is a feeling. We feel it. So it is an emotion. Is that why my girl cannot process it? Is that why she has such a high pain threshold? Pain can be emotional or physical. A feeling. We feel it. But it isn’t an emotion. Is it? Screaming when the…… Continue reading Pain.

Just imagine.

Imagine being so caught up on your own thoughts that decision making becomes impossible. Imagine wanting to do something so badly but part of you won’t allow it. Imagine getting so cross with yourself because you think you can do it, you want to do it, but you can’t. You are trapped. Physically and mentally.…… Continue reading Just imagine.

Saved!

The tornado of negative feelings that has carried me through this week has finally let me go. Reality got me out of there. Remembering that it is not all bad, seeing that it is not all bad. My girl, the positivity I needed to exit the constant spin of feeling a failure. As the whirlwind…… Continue reading Saved!

Listen.

I am not asking people to write me an essay on Autism. I am not asking that they spend their evenings researching the condition. I don’t expect them to understand something I will never fully understand myself. I am just asking one thing…. ….please listen to me. I know my child more than anyone else…… Continue reading Listen.