Blah…

She was so excited.I thought it would be ok because it was what she wanted to do.She was counting down the minutes until we could go.And I know…..here she is moaning again….…but this is my reality. Even when we do things that my girl wants to do, it is not enjoyable for any of us.…… Continue reading Blah…

I will always go home.

After I finished my shopping I sat in my car.I turned the ignition on, but I couldn’t drive.I didn’t want to go home…..….what kind of mother does that make me? It was around 4pm.I’d had to ask my husband to leave work early and come home.My girl was having an enormous, very violent, meltdown, and…… Continue reading I will always go home.

Woodpeckers…..

I wanted to write a post about how horrendous my girls anxiety is at the moment.I wanted to explain how extremely difficult it is to manage.I wanted to tell you how exhausted we are, how thin our patience is becoming.But……I am just too exhausted to find the right words. Imagine having a woodpecker sat on…… Continue reading Woodpeckers…..

Summer!

Another school year done…..and what a year that was!I haven’t really talked about the fact that my girl was back in school.Since the beginning of April my girl has been doing 2 days a week.She desperately needed the routine, and we needed a break.It wasn’t an easy decision, it took a lot of guilt ridden…… Continue reading Summer!

Glass half empty….

I am a Negative Nancy, the one whose glass is always half empty.I seem to have been hardwired to always see the dark side of life.I try to be positive, I really do, but I am the Eeyore of the human world. I just can’t seem to snap out of my negative way of thinking.Everything…… Continue reading Glass half empty….

Meltdown, the aftermath.

Afterwards I sit with thoughts swirling around my head.In pain from injuries she doesn’t remember inflicting.Crying from the insults she doesn’t remember shouting.Exhausted from keeping her safe through a meltdown she doesn’t remember having. Alone with thoughts of anger, confusion, upset, heartbreak.Alone with feelings of guilt, regret, and a longing so deep, to scoop her…… Continue reading Meltdown, the aftermath.

The worst…meltdowns.

Meltdowns.A word that is confusing for many who have not had experience of them.They are unpredictable, terrifying, and there is nothing you can do to stop it when it has taken hold. My girl had a meltdown today.It lasted 2, long, hours.Pre conceived ideas about meltdowns have shown that people believe the child suddenly will…… Continue reading The worst…meltdowns.

Siblings.

People say we grieve for our disabled children.We grieve for what they could have been.I have been there, and done that with my girl.Now though I grieve for my son.My neuro typical son, who will never get the life I expected for him. Special needs siblings are amazing.They are resilient, caring, understanding, patient….….but they are…… Continue reading Siblings.

Idle words.

More often than not, it is peoples’ words that push me back into that dark hole.For weeks I have been teetering on the edge, stopping myself from falling.I have balanced on the very tip of my toes but always managed to balance……until today. Words pushed me down. It was only a couple of offhand comments…… Continue reading Idle words.

Numb.

I am feeling so confused.I am having a really hard time trying to understand my own feelings.I am finding it impossible to understand my girls. These past few months have been horrendous.Full of fear, doom and gloom; anxiety has soared for us all……and now it seems almost as if we have gone back to normal.I…… Continue reading Numb.