Thank you ‘Our Autism’ Dad.

A thank you note to ‘Our Autism’ Dad. Thank you for always being there for us, Always. Without question. Thank you for working on very little sleep, Despite your apparent exhaustion, Thank you for being there in the early hours, When all you need is sleep, Thank you for answering your phone every 5 minutes,…… Continue reading Thank you ‘Our Autism’ Dad.

Autism and the need for control.

Why do I let her control me? A question I have been asked so many times. It’s not that I do….as such. I try so, so hard for her not to control us. But she does. She needs to be in control. The need for control comes when anxiety is high. The need for control…… Continue reading Autism and the need for control.

Just listen. An Autism journey poem.

It’s 2007 and I’m happy but crying, Not really sure what I have become, but I’m holding the baby, I am now a Mum, In the noisy room of the maternity ward, The air is sterile and clean, and the faces of crying mums and babies can be seen, And I’m feeling so old in…… Continue reading Just listen. An Autism journey poem.

Horrible, horrible anxiety.

Gnawing. Destroying. Damaging. Poisoning. Spoiling. Eroding. Wrecking. Shocking. Saddening. Consuming. Disturbing. Horrifying. Panicking. Upsetting. Worrying. Threatening. ……..Anxiety. Feeling so empty….. ……yet feeling so full of emotions. Nibbling, biting, chewing, gnawing, eating away at you. Constantly burrowing, crawling under your skin. There. Always there. Creeping, crawling, tunneling its way in. I read something today about anxiety…… Continue reading Horrible, horrible anxiety.

A constant battle.

Half term has been hard work. I want school to be back. I haven’t missed the morning battles to get her to school. I don’t want her to go back. She seems more settled in the holidays. But she needs the routine. I need the break. She is shouting already because she doesnt want to…… Continue reading A constant battle.

Half term woes.

So this is how it goes: School holidays + social media = hundreds of pictures of families days out. Social media + Our Autism Mum = guilt for staying in. Guilt + more guilt = day out. Day out + Autism = failure. Repeat. Again and again. Every school holiday. When will I learn? I…… Continue reading Half term woes.

Good night.

I hold her close, Up to my nose, Breathe her in, Feel her warmth on my skin, Hug her tight, Kiss her goodnight, Let the stress of the day, Float away, Read her a story, Whisper I’m sorry, For being demanding, For not understanding, Stroke her head, Settle her in bed, Tell her I love…… Continue reading Good night.