Horrible, horrible anxiety.

Gnawing. Destroying. Damaging. Poisoning. Spoiling. Eroding. Wrecking. Shocking. Saddening. Consuming. Disturbing. Horrifying. Panicking. Upsetting. Worrying. Threatening. ……..Anxiety. Feeling so empty….. ……yet feeling so full of emotions. Nibbling, biting, chewing, gnawing, eating away at you. Constantly burrowing, crawling under your skin. There. Always there. Creeping, crawling, tunneling its way in. I read something today about anxiety…… Continue reading Horrible, horrible anxiety.

A constant battle.

Half term has been hard work. I want school to be back. I haven’t missed the morning battles to get her to school. I don’t want her to go back. She seems more settled in the holidays. But she needs the routine. I need the break. She is shouting already because she doesnt want to…… Continue reading A constant battle.

Half term woes.

So this is how it goes: School holidays + social media = hundreds of pictures of families days out. Social media + Our Autism Mum = guilt for staying in. Guilt + more guilt = day out. Day out + Autism = failure. Repeat. Again and again. Every school holiday. When will I learn? I…… Continue reading Half term woes.

Good night.

I hold her close, Up to my nose, Breathe her in, Feel her warmth on my skin, Hug her tight, Kiss her goodnight, Let the stress of the day, Float away, Read her a story, Whisper I’m sorry, For being demanding, For not understanding, Stroke her head, Settle her in bed, Tell her I love…… Continue reading Good night.

Stop saying that about Autism.

Two things annoy me. Well not annoy me, hurt me. 1) When people describe Autism as a label to cover up a childs’ bad behaviour. 2) When people tell others that thier child has Autism without first having a diagnosis. Both are demeaning and hurtful to those that have been through the diagnostic procedure. Autism…… Continue reading Stop saying that about Autism.

Dear the future.

Dear the future. I see you there, lurking. I hear you calling out. I see your shadows following me with every tick of the second hand. I know you are going to get me. I know the future will come. But, future, I am scared. I am terrified of what you will bring to my…… Continue reading Dear the future.

Birthday Boy. Sibling

“Have you enjoyed your birthday my boy?” “I liked all my presents but not all the….ARGH!!” My girl. My girl is the argh! The shouting, screaming, controlling. The behaviours we expect on someone elses birthday. The everything we don’t want to see. We expect it. We prepare for it. We countdown for birthdays. We buy…… Continue reading Birthday Boy. Sibling