I will always go home.

After I finished my shopping I sat in my car.I turned the ignition on, but I couldn’t drive.I didn’t want to go home…..….what kind of mother does that make me? It was around 4pm.I’d had to ask my husband to leave work early and come home.My girl was having an enormous, very violent, meltdown, and…… Continue reading I will always go home.

Meltdown, the aftermath.

Afterwards I sit with thoughts swirling around my head.In pain from injuries she doesn’t remember inflicting.Crying from the insults she doesn’t remember shouting.Exhausted from keeping her safe through a meltdown she doesn’t remember having. Alone with thoughts of anger, confusion, upset, heartbreak.Alone with feelings of guilt, regret, and a longing so deep, to scoop her…… Continue reading Meltdown, the aftermath.

The worst…meltdowns.

Meltdowns.A word that is confusing for many who have not had experience of them.They are unpredictable, terrifying, and there is nothing you can do to stop it when it has taken hold. My girl had a meltdown today.It lasted 2, long, hours.Pre conceived ideas about meltdowns have shown that people believe the child suddenly will…… Continue reading The worst…meltdowns.

One of those days.

I don’t even know how to start writing about today. It has been one of the ones I want to write about, but am too frightened to say the words. Not frightened because of anything other than being judged. Being judged because people don’t understand. Autism. That thing that most people have heard of, but…… Continue reading One of those days.

Thank you NHS

Well done to everyone out clapping for the NHS this evening. I am guilt ridden as we are unable to join in. Obviously, we support the NHS and hugely appreciate them putting their lives on the line, and the work they are doing for us. It is just my girl hates clapping. Clapping induces a…… Continue reading Thank you NHS

Autism, anxiety and emotions.

My anxiety is spiralling out of control at the moment. 100 million things are stomping around my head and not giving me a moments peace. They just won’t slow down, they won’t be quiet. Exhaustion consumes my energy. Anxiety won’t let me rest. Physical symptoms from anxiety make me feel ill. Feeling ill fuels my…… Continue reading Autism, anxiety and emotions.

Lost. Autism meltdown.

I sit on the floor, my arms wrapped around her tightly…. ….whilst she kicks and hits and bites. Saving her from hurting herself, hurting me…. ….I just want this to be a hug. She’s screaming, shouting, intent on hurting herself or anyone who is around. Anxiety driven anger thrusting out of every muscle. Every pore…… Continue reading Lost. Autism meltdown.

After the storm.

She comes over to me. I flinch. Am I going to get hurt? Is she going to bite, kick, shout or punch? I freeze in terror. But she just leans on me. ….She just wanted a hug. I want to hug her back but she has gone. Just the briefest of touches. I sit in…… Continue reading After the storm.

Meltdowns.

Meltdowns. I hate them. I hate how my vulnerable child is left feeling helpless and destroyed. I hate how it blocks out reality and replaces it with a seering rage. I hate it. I hate it. Selfishly. Me. I hate being the place of safety. The place where it all unloads. I hate the kicking,…… Continue reading Meltdowns.

Be kind.

(Carer) Staring eyes watching, People judging, Calling us names, Pointing the finger of blame, No one asking, Or trying to understand it, Tongues tut-tutting, Everybody’s looking. (Onlooker) Watching the child, Parents let them run wild, Shouting and screaming, Parents just stood watching, My comments ignored, Childs’ lying on the floor, My mind’s all a blur,…… Continue reading Be kind.