Home again, home again!

We are back!
Back home.
Back to my girls safe place, her comfort zone.
We had a great holiday.

Taking my girl on holiday was like taking a fish from your fishtank and throwing it into the sea.
My girl, the fish, was happy bobbing about her tank, within her own familiar 4 walls.
Happy swimming around knowing where every obstacle was, knowing when it was time to be fed.
That was until we plucked her out and threw her into rough seas and riptudes of tantrums, meltdowns and lack of routine.
She couldn’t cope with the changes and got swept away in the sea of anxiety.

My girl does not enjoy travelling. At all.
She needs to know exactly how long it will take to get there, and what time, exactly, we will arrive.
New Pokémon dvds purchased before hand made the journey much easier.
With her love of Pokémon Go, I tried to distract her by filling her head with visions of new pokemons surrounding our holiday cottage..
…..only to realise, once we got there, that the wi fi signal was extremely weak and there was no mobile data signal.
(In the brochure it said there was WIFI!)

Armed with at least 100 of her soft toys, and her own pillow and duvet as she has only 1 cover she will use, we introduced her to her new bedroom for the week.
 To feel safe, and to lessen anxiety, she needs to take almost all of her things everywhere she goes.

One thing suprised me this week though.
About me.
I spent the whole week worrying about what people thought…..that people were watching, listening.
I felt I needed to explain her behaviour.
I wanted to stand and tell everyone about Autism so they would understand her……..to make me feel more comfortable?
But I didn’t.

I spend my days completely exhausted.
On call 24 hours, keeping my girl safe, never taking my eyes off her.
In a new environment, with her unpredictable behaviour, that 1 second I may have turned my head to talk to someone……doesn’t bear thinking about.
I have to make sure she doesn’t kick you, push you over, knock things down, run away.
To make sure she is safe.
I spend everyday fighting to make her fit in, to make myself fit in, it is exhausting.
I want to explain Autism, to spread awareness, to make people accept her behaviour so I don’t feel the need to explain it.
I don’t want to HAVE to explain it, I WANT to explain it.
I want to make everyone Autism aware.

Our holiday was amazing.
So many days out, so many trips doing things my girl enjoys.
She was completely out of her comfort zone, but she coped. Really well.
The meltdowns she had came and went, the 9 year old ‘I want’ tantrums were swiftly managed.
Lots of hands on, sensory activities both enhanced and soothed the senses.
I didn’t explain Autism to anyone.
I did feel uncomfortable when her voice was 4 times louder than everyone elses, when her demands to the untrained ear sounded like a spoilt, rude, child but…
….my girl has Autism.
It is no secret that she has difficulties that we will never fully understand.

We were a family of 4, enjoying a wonderful break away from home……and school!

We have hundreds of photos, and bags full of happy memories.
Memories that will last a lifetime.