Autism Awareness week UK.

Today marks the start of Autism Awareness Week.I am passionate about sharing the reality of ‘our autism’, and highlighting just how much of a dark place it can be.There are so many blogs out there about Autism, but very few talk about the dark side that we experience.Very few detail the meltdowns, the violence, the…… Continue reading Autism Awareness week UK.

Me…us.

I was going to write about how hard today has been.How hard the weekend has been.How difficult it has been to cope with my girls behaviour.I started writing it and then realised that it wasn’t as hard for me as it was for her. I probably made things worse.I probably added to each meltdown.I got…… Continue reading Me…us.

Sad

I feel really sad today.Like I just want to start crying and not stop.I can’t cry though. I am numb.My emotions are in turmoil.They contain themselves all day until all is quiet and then they take over my mind.They over analyse and over think, they haunt me into a state of insecurity.I feel sad.Insecure.…..not enough.…… Continue reading Sad

My little rainbow.

I recommend reading The Boy, the mole, the fox and the horse for some beautiful, inspirational, words and illustrations. Today I took inspiration from his work, and my autistic daughter, and drew this. 💕🌈

A log?

My girl is sat crying.Crying because I put a log on the fire.Sat crying because I burnt a log she liked. Crying because she thought I’d know that she’d want to keep the logBut she doesn’t c word. (Cry).And now those tears are angry tearsAngry at me. It’s my fault.I should have known she wanted…… Continue reading A log?

Anxiety again.

Anxiety.That mean old parasite living inside me.Burrowing to depths I can’t reach.Telling me to worry about things I have no control over.Making me feel physically sick and emotionally exhausted.The part of me I want to go away. Anxiety is taking over my life, taking over my home.Coronavirus, staying at home, fear of becoming unwell, fear…… Continue reading Anxiety again.

Birthday girl!

It was my girls birthday yesterday.A day that always fills me with apprehension, and an overflow of different emotions.This year, being in lockdown, I was dreading it.I was worried that the usual birthday routines would be changed and that it would affect her whole day.I always worry how it is going to be, if she…… Continue reading Birthday girl!

Chickens?!

Lockdown again.I have so many conflicting feelings about it all.Imagine how hard this is for my girl if I can’t even understand it!My girl is at home, where I want her to be, safe and away from the virus.My girl is not where she needs to be, away from her routine.I want her to go…… Continue reading Chickens?!

Self harm

I complain about the violence, about how it is all directed at me.Tonight I wish it had all been at me.Tonight it started with me, but quickly turned back on itself.My girl repeatedly hit herself in the head.My poor girl now has a big bump and bruise on her forehead. One of the worst thing…… Continue reading Self harm

Lazy.

Lazy….…am I?Because I stay at home all day?Because I haven’t got a job?Because I am a parent carer? Lazy.Is that what I am?That’s how I feel.That’s what I’ve been told I am. No one sees the guilt I feel that I rely solely on my husbands wages.No one sees the sadness I feel as I…… Continue reading Lazy.