Employ me?

I would like a job.
I would like to work and contribute to the household income.
I would like to not be seen as a lazy stay at home Mum.
I would like to dispel the myth that stay at home parents do nothing all day.
I would like to be myself for a day.
I would like to be something other than an autism mum for a few hours a week…..
…..but who would employ me?

Looking for a job!

Must be within school hours.
Must allow for lateness due to childs unpredictibility in mornings.
Cannot work evenings or school holidays.
Must allow frequents days off for childs hospital appointments.
Must allow early finishes, and/or unplanned days off if child needs me.
Must allow use of mobile phone to keep in touch with school.
Must allow personal use of phone/email to organise, plan and arrange childs hospital appointments.
Must allow for personal appearance not always being 100%. (May come in with unwashed, unbrushed hair, bruised arms, bodily fluid stained clothing or smell of faeces).
Must allow for unwashed and unironed uniform.
Must allow nap breaks or expect frequent bouts of snoring due to sleep deprivation.
Must allow many coffee breaks to improve performance and stay awake.
Must allow for lack of concentration and distraction.
Must understand I will talk about my child 24/7.
Must allow unpredictable mood swings, hysteria and bouts of sobbing in dispair.

Any genuine offers accepted!
……anyone?!